...how this love fits.

Sometimes I look at my kids and I wonder, how did the capacity to love like this exist in my heart, my head, in my body without knowing it for SO long. I lived 31 years of my life carrying around a space this large in my heart and did not know it? How can that be possible? Does all of the other love that you have felt in your life for your parents, siblings, spouse, friends, family...prepare you to take the step into "Parent Love?" The funny thing is that I've seen a love like this for years. 31 years. I absolutely know that my Mom and Dad know exactly what I'm talking about. My Mom has told me for years that one day I will understand what its like to be a Mom and only then will I understand what I've put her through. :) Its hard to comprehend that anyone could look at me the way I look at my daughter. When she's falling asleep at night I just look at her little face and feel my chest get bigger. There is a fear that lives with a love like this. I have never felt more afraid in my life. A few days ago Ella was sleeping on my chest and for just a brief second I didn't see her take another breath. Her little body just sat there very still for a millisecond. My heart dropped and I had a pulse of fear run through every nerve. When I saw that little back move up allowing the air from her next breath to fill her lungs, that wave of fear slowly subsided. My heart was still beating at 100 miles per hour but I knew then that she was ok. It took my body a few minutes to catch up.

I wonder how so many parents walk around this world feeling the way I feel. How do you concentrate on other things? How do you leave your kids when they're hurt or sad or tired? How do you ever let them grow up or walk away from your sight? Or WORSE drive away from you? I am so excited to see what my genius son does with his life or what my gorgeous little Ella Belle is going to be like in 20 years, but am so apprehensive about the beating my heart is sure to take over the next few decades (God willing). If you love this much, is every emotion associated with your kids amplified?? How do you ride those waves and come out still standing?

There are no words for parent love. I cannot describe it. But I can certainly feel it and I've never felt anything like it.